The Dreaded Death Date Anniversary

The anniversary of the death date of our children can be very difficult to handle. Some choose to mark the day with a ritual of some sort whether it be lighting a candle or a family gathering. Some parents choose to spend the day alone, visiting their child's resting place or just in private reflection. There is no right or wrong way to mark these dates.

I just clocked over another year of missing my son. It's 8 years now since I heard his voice, saw his smile and his beautiful eyes.

The build up to this date is dreaded. It feels like another year further away from him. Time is marching on and things have changed so much since he was here. He was a techie, and I wonder what he would think of the latest phones, computers and electric cars. I wonder what life would look like for him now, how he'd be coping with two teenage daughters.

The anniversary date can also bring up the raw emotions of their passing too as memories are re-lived. In the past I've made myself sick dissecting the details of my son's final days and hours. It’s a form of survivors guilt that I felt that I had to suffer because he suffered.

But this year something changed. I did spend time thinking about him. I did cry and told him how much I miss him and love him. But I realised that he was so much more than the end of his life and every time my mind went to somewhere sad, I refocused with a happier memory. I laughed about how funny he was, how sweet he was as a small child, how clever he was and what a great brother, Dad and son he was.  

This isn't something I’ve been able to do until now. Prior anniversaries always hit hard even though over the years I have become a lot more used to living alongside my grief and the pain that comes with it.

The reality is that I miss my boy every day, the date of his death is no worse than any other and I will grieve for him until the day I join him. I know he would approve of the self-compassion.